theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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