life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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