Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
