your parents love me but you hate me
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
