Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
