Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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