Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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