i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize