I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
