I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
