i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
we're making bets on your personal life
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
