Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
