I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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