she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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