Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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