Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
