R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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