After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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