it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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