you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
