There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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