even my farts smell like vagina
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
