Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
