we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
