Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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