Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
