I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
