i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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