Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
