I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
