The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
