i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
