Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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