After last night, I could never be a politician.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
