Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
