Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
