Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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