yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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