I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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