we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
