I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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