i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
