dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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