I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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