she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize