If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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