And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
