Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
