i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
i believe in u and ur pee
i think we sleep fucked last night...
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
