I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Randomize
