In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
