I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
