I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
