maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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