So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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