Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Randomize
