Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
