and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
