I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Randomize