Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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